Friday, June 04, 2010

Fears already?

I am reading through my Flying Lessons stuff.  Making desultory notes.  Remembering something else I "really need to do" about every three minutes.  Pushing forward.  Not enjoying. What the heck?  Something is not right.  And I'm skimming the reading for the most part, too.  Can't remember what I've been looking at.  What's wrong?

Back to the beginning.  Oh.  I see.  Make a commitment to the dream and vision of what I want my creative business to look like.  Oh.  Okay.  I wrote this:

I commit to a life where my coaching and writing and art all come together to buoy and sustain me.

Um, okay again.  Something is still not right.  This is a good statement.  But I still don't actually know what this would look like.  I am supposed to commit to a dream and vision.  This is not a dream and vision.  It's an affirmation.

I think I see your problem right here, lady.  You're scared of actually delving in and going under the surface and finding out what you really want because you don't think it can work.  You think if you look at what your real dream is, it will be impossible.  It's just an attack of the worries, the uncertainties trying to trip you up.

What's my dream?  My dream is that I get up in the morning and go to work in my own studio upstairs.  I use those first couple of hours, when I'm not quite at my best because it's morning, to take care of the more mundane things.  Set schedules, take care of e-mails, all of that.  Then late morning I do client phone calls and e-mails with a break for lunch. After lunch and finishing up client work, I write for an hour or two depending on what I've put on the schedule.  Then I work on my online classes I'm teaching or work on course outlines, things like that (this is a holdover from my teaching days because I always found that working on class stuff right around 4 p.m. was really good for me).  Then a break for some exercise--a walk outside, or something inside or at the gym if the weather is not so good.  Home for dinner, and the evening is open for me to play with art and embroidery, read, catch up online.  Then when M gets home from his evening of teaching or sword practice we hang out and chat and maybe watch TV and then go to bed.

Some days would include late morning or early afternoon client visits, although I don't anticipate doing that many face-to-face sessions.  Some evenings might include teaching a class or even taking a class.  Some afternoons might involve classes, too.

Is this a vision? It feels more like one.  I don't know if I have to be more detailed. Or less?  I really don't know!  I know I want to combine coaching/teaching and writing; I'm not willing to give up one or the other, to pick one to focus on, so whatever I'm committing to has to have both.  Is that okay? Will it work?  Can I do this?  How do I know if I'm doing this right?!


Laura said...

"What if I don't do it right?"--sounds so familiar. For me it's one side of the many-faceted paralysis generator, trying to figure everything so it is guaranteed to work out perfectly. Then I usually get overwhelmed at the immensity of the problem and don't start, forgetting that if it's a good idea, you can tweak it as you go.

andrea said...

so great!

and you know - you don't have to get it right RIGHT NOW. this is awesome to start with, and as you move along the path - things will shift and change and fall perfectly into place.

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