|Creativity is my practice|
Still I didn't think I would be able to be in the class right now, and then because of Lisa's kindness (thank you so much, Lisa!), I found myself in after all. I was so excited on Monday to receive that first e-mail. And then I stalled. The first week is a slow, gentle easing into a creative practice, and I still almost gave up. This is what I journaled about that yesterday:
Off to a late start this week. It’s been a busy week, but when isn’t it? And I am often a slow starter, slow to settle into a new thing, sink into it and let it surround me. And this is the point when I start berating myself, telling myself that I’m any number of bad things—dumb, stupid, lazy, etc.—and then this is where I give up. I decide I’m too far behind, it wasn’t meant to be, this isn’t for me, I can’t do this… But this time I see that this is just resistance. There is no truth in any of this.
I am always slow to start things like this. I have to overcome my tendency toward inertia. And this time I was also fighting against some self-induced pressure, because I am in this class because of the kindness of it's creator. So of course that meansthat I have to be the best, most perfect, do everything on time and just right student ever, right? Oh, my brain does such mean things to me!
But this time I was able to recognize that all of these feelings of pressure and wanting to quit before I started were just natural fear and resistance, and these are normal parts of the creative process. So yesterday, I went ahead and read the rest of the first week's instructions and tiptoed into the work.
The hardest part was picking a time and place for my creative practice. I discovered that I really don't have much in the way of a daily routine. And I know better than to say I'm going to add anything to my mornings. I know that I might last a few days, but there will be a lot of grumpiness and resentment and no good work happening, and then I will stop. I am not a morning person. (No, this doesn't need to change--I don't ever see anyone trying to change morning people to night owls. Why is that?) Anyhow...I finally conceded that for me I need one time slot during the week and another for days off. On days off, my time slot is actually in the morning, but that's because I get to wake up on my own and don't have to rush to get out the door.
I have a lot of thoughts on creativity as a daily practice along the lines of yoga and meditation, but I'm going to save those for another post since this one is already long enough. I did come up with a list of questions for myself about this work, so I'm going to put them here in case they resonate with anyone else.
My intention: I intend to practice mindful creativity every day.
My questions about this:
- What does this mean?
- How will it look in my life?
- how will I handle days when/if it doesn't happen?
- Is this separate from my writing? Or is this something I will do as a prelude to my writing time (which isn't currently every day)? If so, does that affect the time slot I've chosen?