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I haven't been writing as much as I'd planned. I'm definitely behind on my NaNoWriMo word count. I'm not feeling worried about it, though. I'm not so far behind that I can't catch up pretty easily, and I know the coming weekend is wide open for writing sessions.
I am feeling worried about something else, and I just realized last night that this has been going on inside my head for a while. More than a while--probably for years.
I went through a period of being afraid that I don't actually know how to write a whole novel, that I don't know how to finish one. I've been working on that for a few years, and I think I'm at a point where I can make it happen. We'll know for sure when I actually hit the end of this story (end of January, that's still the intention). But now that I'm feeling a bit more confident in my ability to actually write a whole novel from start to finish, I discovered that there's been a companion fear hiding back there all this time. I learned that I'm even more afraid that, once I have a completed first draft, I won't know how or be able to revise it into something submittable.
There's good news here. Not because once I recognized the fear I knew it was unfounded. I don't have any idea if I will know how to revise my novel into something I can shop around. But now that I've seen the fear and recognized it for what it is, it doesn't stand a chance. I usually only get completely derailed by amorphous, unnamed fears, and this one has a name now, and that means I own it. And I will not let a fear that I can see, that I know is there, stop me from doing something I want.
This isn't a quick process for me. It won't be "Oh, I see you, fear, and now you're out of here for good." I know I won't traipse through finishing my first draft and then skip merrily through my revisions. I know the fear will grab me and throw me down and hold me in the corner. For a bit. But then I'll shove it back in its box and keep going, because now I know it, and it can't control me, and I will win.