I got teary eyed when I read Jamie's question this week: "Where do you wish to make a fresh start?" Oh. Maybe this is something really important.
An hour later, I'm back to this post. I can't think of anything to write, and yet I want to write something about this. But I am filled with regret when I read this question. So much regret, I can't find the wish inside there. So many things have slipped by, their time gone, and they cannot be restarted, recaptured, reclaimed. So what do I want to make a fresh start with? What thing do I want to start over that can actually be started fresh?
There's not much that says "fresh start" to me more clearly than slanted morning light and my morning coffee (or occasionally tea). Those relaxed days when I'm on my own schedule so I'm not up ridiculously early and rushing around to get to work are so perfect. I can sit, sip, let the warmth seep into me, contemplate the beautiful, brand new day ahead of me and how I want to move through it. There's a wish in that image somewhere, a fresh start for every day.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain
Another break, a short drive and a healthy lunch, and now I have some clarity, I think. All of the regrets I am feeling, or at least most of them, revolve around things I wanted to do, wanted to try and didn't. So many of them because I was waiting to get thinner, too. I wanted to be a cheerleader, but I think that one was tied up in other things I wanted more than actually wanting to jump around with pom poms (although when I put it that way, it actually sounds fun). But the things I really regret now? I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to be a surfer. I wanted to be an actor.
Now, I also can look back and see that I wanted something to really be interested in, a major in school that really thrilled me and engaged me and would have led me to something that really touched my soul.
So what do I want a fresh start on? All of that. Even the impossible parts. What does that mean? I don't know. I want a do over on all the things I didn't try, didn't do, let slip away because I was afraid and insecure and felt like a failure before I'd even tried. I don't exactly know how to put this into words. I don't have a clear vision of it yet. But I want a fresh start on living an interesting life filled with things that amaze and amuse and challenge and inspire me. Maybe that's the phrasing? Maybe... Ah, here:
I want a fresh start on living without regrets for things I've left undone!