Thursday, March 16, 2006

Muse Thoughts #2

I'm surprised at how much is stirring in me just from reading the first few pages of this book. On page 7 issomething I keep getting distracted from. "Pay attention to the experience beyond the intellect--the one within your spirit. Listen to the reawakening of an enchanting loom of the possible. Surrender to the deep knowing of your heart. Seize the miracle of your dream. And weave the tapestry of your experience with passion and authenticity." Then, "Follow your heart by complying with the signposts of your intuition."

Then the *really* heavy part: "Some of us miss out on a life of creative joy because we subscribe to our fears. . .Money worries prevent us from pursuing that which does not ensure an income."

This is a HUGE issue for me. Huge. I want to be a writer so much, have wanted it all my life, but I am so afraid that I won't be able to make a living. But there's a line in the book that says, "Fear is simply an affirmation that growth is happening." So maybe I just need to find a way to go on even though I'm afraid.

I made this acronym for fear:

Feeling my way through
Encounters with dreams
And building a world which
Revolves around my soul

"You may think you need a grand vision with great sweeps of action. But you simply need lots of little, little, little acts true to your intention."

I have definitely been sidetracked by my fear over and over again. One unfulfilling job after another. Always talking about my dreams of writing, sometimes doing little bits, never actually stepping onto the path.

I have come to realize lately that I am afraid of naming my dream. Really naming it, getting a full picture. I guess I'm afraid that if I REALLY state my dream and put it out there, then I'll have to try to live it, and then I might fail. And if I reach for my dream and fail, what will I have left? Right now, I have the hope that I might someday live my dream. I have a dream, something that I might achieve some day. If I fail at that, what will I have to hope for and reach for?


Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I'm getting brave and posting. I've done my first bit of reading, too--I don't think it has inspired any new fears, since I seem to do a pretty good job keeping them alive and well all by myself. I have taken major steps towards living my own authentic life, but feel increasingly worried about stupid money, and my lack of self-confidence is becoming more obvious. Then there's the disturbing realization that I feel like if I get the artistic life I want, I have to sacrifice any chance at a fulfilling personal life. I guess one is better than neither, but not really enough...arg. Issues of inferiority and being undeserving. :(

It makes me feel a bit more hopeful so see some of "my" issues validated in print. It's scary to commit to something--fear of failure/safety in mediocrity and all that. Fear of exposure by revealing personal things (which I have been learning, the hard way as always, is the best means to successful art) and fear of being thought stupid or boring. I'm trying hard to reinstate the ability to believe in possibilities.

Nothing like trying to totally redefine yourself. Why aren't we born with manuals of operation?


Ari said...

Why aren't we born with manuals of operation?

Oh, we are. They're just hard to access. That's what we're doing when we work through all these issues and become more of our real selves--we're learning to access our manuals. :)

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