August!

I love August.  I may have mentioned this before--I don't remember.  But I really love August.  August through October is my favorite time of year, and for me it always stirs up desires to start something new.

Of course, I just started something new mid-July.  I decided to go forward on that whispered wish to lose weight, and I joined SparkPeople (which I know I mentioned in my last post). And I'm loving it!  This is an amazing site.  If you have fitness goals, check it out.  It's even free!

Anyhow, I set some goals for myself for August.  Not just fitness goals but a mix of self-care goals.  And I did a quick art journal page about it and wanted to put it up here where I can keep coming back to it:

Happy August everyone!

Let's Get Physical

In 2007, I lost 60 lbs.  And then I hurt myself, had to go to physical therapy, an osteopath, all sorts of exciting things, all of them painful and keeping me away from exercise (partially out of fear of another injury if we're going for full disclosure here).  And I'm still dealing with the aftermath of all of that.  And I gained all 60 lbs. back.  For the past several months, I've been feeling miserable.  I've been feeling hopeless with a huge side helping of it's too late for me.

Where I am, and where I really want to get away from.

On Tuesday, I decided to look around a bit, see if I could find some way to gather my resources and give it one more try.  I started slowly, planning for this week to be about getting my kitchen in order, maybe making some menus, finding my workout clothes, things like that.  Then something reminded me of a website I had seen a while back--SparkPeople.  And I tracked my food on Tuesday.  And then I did it again yesterday and today.  And I set a few goals, and I've been following through fairly easily.

Oh, and today I did a really good workout--the first segment from The Biggest Loser 30 Day Jumpstart.  I am a little bit sad that 15 minutes of exercise is hard work, but since I haven't done much of anything in the past three years it makes sense.  It's really hard to not get sucked into thoughts that I'm going to be heavy and weak and tired forever.  I have never been thin, so I don't know what it's like or what I'm aiming for, so it's easy to think that overweight is all there is.  But I really want to at least be less overweight, to be stronger, to be able to do more things.  So I guess that's what I'm going to focus on over at SparkPeople and here when I write about my BodyPages stuff.

Wish me luck, everyone.  I'm jumping back in the weight loss pool!

Starting Over

How many times in my life have I said those words?  How many times have I said them then did nothing as my appointed "starting over" time came and went?  How many times a new start that fizzled out before the week was through?  And yet, here I am saying them again.

One thing I have going for me--I don't tend to give up.  I may get discouraged and step away from a goal for a while, but I never give up.  I see this in my writing, and I see this in my desire to lose weight.

This is about the weight thing.  But there's more to this than just wanting/needing to lose weight.  Way more, and I think if I'm ever going to be happy in my body I'm going to have to spend a lot more time than I ever have on the stuff that isn't about eating and exercising.   And I'm going to do that in my journal, and I'm going to do that here, because way too many of us are wrestling with our bodies and how we feel about them.  I'm going to do my BodyPages here where other people can see and comment and maybe join in.

I'm not going to spend time on fat acceptance (or whatever name you want to give it).  I think it's pretty fabulous to feel great at any size.  I am awed by people who have learned to do this.  I am not comfortable at my size, and I want to change it; I do not accept it.  I do want to learn to like myself more, but I also want to lose weight.  I don't want to not be able to do physical activities and be physically uncomfortable because of my weight any more.  I no longer feel like I must be a really thin, petite, tiny thing to be attractive (sadly some of that is because I seem to feel that since I'm older I just can't be really gorgeous any more no matter how much weight I lose, but I'll be seeing about that).  So I think I may end up being really comfortable and happy at a weight that at one point in my life I thought was horribly fat.

So what do I want? 

• I want to lose 140 lbs. (maybe more, but that puts me at the high end of my desired target zone, and if I get there then I can see if I want to do more).  
• I want to be able to hike to the top of the Fairy Falls which I did once ten years ago.
• I want to be able to find more than one or two pairs of pants a season that fit me
• I want beautiful, colorful clothes that I love
• I want to learn to surf
• I want to move gracefully, easily, without pain and discomfort and WITHOUT worrying about whether or not I'll fit in a given space I want to pass through
• I want to fly comfortably and not be miserable and in pain for the next several days after squeezing myself into an airplane seat
• I want to go on really long bike rides to cool picnic spots and around this beautiful city so I can get great photos
• I want to go on photo walks all the time and not just once or twice a year when I can manage to muster the energy and work myself up to it and without having to do almost nothing for three days after to recover because I'm exhausted
• I want to go out in public without constantly feeling self-conscious and embarrassed and uncomfortable
• I want to dance
• I want to feel sexy
• I want energy

Will I get what I want?  I don't know.  I do know that if I don't do something, take some small steps and then repeat them tomorrow and the day after and the day after that, then I won't even approach any of the things on my list.  So I have to do something and at least make some progress and move forward a bit, and if I don't hit the exact mark I'm aiming for, at least if I've done something I'll land in a better place than I am right now.

Yesterday, I did a 13 minute bellydance workout.  It was hard.  It was fun.  I am embarrassed at admitting that some of it was hard.  I am glad it was fun.  I'm going to do it again today.  I'm going to do more of a warm-up for my feet and ankles, though, because they got tight and sore and I had to do quick stretches to loosen them up.  And I got scared, because with all the trouble I've had with my feet, ankles, legs these past four years, I was a little panicky that I was going to injure myself.  And it's good to know that I actually have that much anxiety about it, because I didn't realize that was going on, so now I can work on that and maybe let myself move more and enjoy it.  I wonder how much of not exercising over the past two years, after some of my injuries were somewhat better, has been because of these fears?

Anyhow, that's where I am right now.  I'm going to dance.  A little bit.   Most days but not every day.  And I'm going to do a lot of reading and writing about food and hopefully figure out what will be best for me eating-wise.  And I'm going to write a lot here, and I hope this is interesting and maybe even helpful to someone else. 

Project 52--All Your Weight

The theme for Week 2 of Project 52 is "illustrate a song."  I read that and thought, "I got nothin'."  Not one idea came to me for the first two days.  I thought I might just have to go off theme this week.  And then inspiration hit, and it was perfect!  I ended up with an idea that works for this project and my current BodyPages work, too. Bonus!

I ended up with a series of three photos illustrating Collective Soul's song "Heavy."
 
And all your weight it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight it falls on me
It falls on me

             

I have a complicated, angsty relationship with that old scale.  And yet I still sometimes feel the need to know my weight, so I keep the rusty, battered thing around.  Its ugliness is an unfortunately perfect complement to how I feel about my weight.  Maybe time to get a shiny new scale and a new outlook to match?

Reverb 10 December 19--Healing

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

All I can think of is "Sexual Healing."  And I don't even like that song.  And it has nothing to do with anything that happened to me this year.  I fear my answer to this prompt is either nonexistent or nonsensical.  Or maybe both.

What healed me?  I don't know.  I don't feel healed. As a matter of fact, over the past couple of months I've really been overwhelmed by the comprehension of how much of me needs to be healed.  My physical self desperately needs to be healed--of the pain in my foot and ankles and various random places, the headaches, the lethargy, the stomach problems.  My heart and soul need to be healed, they need to be nurtured (and so does my physical self, and these are directly related, oh yes they are), they need a welcoming place to live and thrive, they need support and love to be brave enough to fly.  I need a lot of healing.  I am hoping that, with the work I'm planning through BodyPages, through Inner Excavation (which work I hope will be deepened and expanded on by working with the tips and techniques in Expressive Photography), through the plans I'm making for my Wild Minds Writing Retreat... I hope that through my personal work and the work I share with others I will find the healing I need even if I'm not completely, solidly sure of exactly what it is.  Wish me luck! :)

Reverb 10 December 12--Body

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)


I don't feel like answering this!  It makes me sad--again.  This is feeling a little bit like a journey through the things I lack.  I don't feel integrated with my body.  I often feel like my body fights against me or that I fight against it--we are definitely at war too often.  I frequently catch myself thinking that I hate myself, and when I'm thinking that it's really my body, my physical self that I am railing against.  So, no.  There are no moments of integration, but I want them very much.


Lest this seem all dark and dreary with no shiny lining, I am doing something to make this happen.  I was going to post about this later this week, but apparently now is the time.  I am building an art journal group to focus on body--weight loss (or gain--whatever each of us needs), exercise, most especially acceptance and building self-esteem and self-love.  Creating bodies we can live in, love in, appreciate, love.


So, if you also want to get comfortable with your body, make healthy changes in a kind and compassionate way, learn to revel in your physical self, you're invited to join in. (And feel free to grab the image for a button on your blog if you like--there's a smaller version in the sidebar, too.)

One note--this is not something I'm doing as part of my professional coaching services although it may turn into some sort of e-book or course or something in future.  Right now, this is just me putting together some prompts and ideas and research to help myself and hopefully help those who come along for the ride.  I think it's going to be fun, but none of this is stuff I've tried before, so we'll all be doing everything together, no leaders, no followers, just companions.