Starting Over

How many times in my life have I said those words?  How many times have I said them then did nothing as my appointed "starting over" time came and went?  How many times a new start that fizzled out before the week was through?  And yet, here I am saying them again.

One thing I have going for me--I don't tend to give up.  I may get discouraged and step away from a goal for a while, but I never give up.  I see this in my writing, and I see this in my desire to lose weight.

This is about the weight thing.  But there's more to this than just wanting/needing to lose weight.  Way more, and I think if I'm ever going to be happy in my body I'm going to have to spend a lot more time than I ever have on the stuff that isn't about eating and exercising.   And I'm going to do that in my journal, and I'm going to do that here, because way too many of us are wrestling with our bodies and how we feel about them.  I'm going to do my BodyPages here where other people can see and comment and maybe join in.

I'm not going to spend time on fat acceptance (or whatever name you want to give it).  I think it's pretty fabulous to feel great at any size.  I am awed by people who have learned to do this.  I am not comfortable at my size, and I want to change it; I do not accept it.  I do want to learn to like myself more, but I also want to lose weight.  I don't want to not be able to do physical activities and be physically uncomfortable because of my weight any more.  I no longer feel like I must be a really thin, petite, tiny thing to be attractive (sadly some of that is because I seem to feel that since I'm older I just can't be really gorgeous any more no matter how much weight I lose, but I'll be seeing about that).  So I think I may end up being really comfortable and happy at a weight that at one point in my life I thought was horribly fat.

So what do I want? 

• I want to lose 140 lbs. (maybe more, but that puts me at the high end of my desired target zone, and if I get there then I can see if I want to do more).  
• I want to be able to hike to the top of the Fairy Falls which I did once ten years ago.
• I want to be able to find more than one or two pairs of pants a season that fit me
• I want beautiful, colorful clothes that I love
• I want to learn to surf
• I want to move gracefully, easily, without pain and discomfort and WITHOUT worrying about whether or not I'll fit in a given space I want to pass through
• I want to fly comfortably and not be miserable and in pain for the next several days after squeezing myself into an airplane seat
• I want to go on really long bike rides to cool picnic spots and around this beautiful city so I can get great photos
• I want to go on photo walks all the time and not just once or twice a year when I can manage to muster the energy and work myself up to it and without having to do almost nothing for three days after to recover because I'm exhausted
• I want to go out in public without constantly feeling self-conscious and embarrassed and uncomfortable
• I want to dance
• I want to feel sexy
• I want energy

Will I get what I want?  I don't know.  I do know that if I don't do something, take some small steps and then repeat them tomorrow and the day after and the day after that, then I won't even approach any of the things on my list.  So I have to do something and at least make some progress and move forward a bit, and if I don't hit the exact mark I'm aiming for, at least if I've done something I'll land in a better place than I am right now.

Yesterday, I did a 13 minute bellydance workout.  It was hard.  It was fun.  I am embarrassed at admitting that some of it was hard.  I am glad it was fun.  I'm going to do it again today.  I'm going to do more of a warm-up for my feet and ankles, though, because they got tight and sore and I had to do quick stretches to loosen them up.  And I got scared, because with all the trouble I've had with my feet, ankles, legs these past four years, I was a little panicky that I was going to injure myself.  And it's good to know that I actually have that much anxiety about it, because I didn't realize that was going on, so now I can work on that and maybe let myself move more and enjoy it.  I wonder how much of not exercising over the past two years, after some of my injuries were somewhat better, has been because of these fears?

Anyhow, that's where I am right now.  I'm going to dance.  A little bit.   Most days but not every day.  And I'm going to do a lot of reading and writing about food and hopefully figure out what will be best for me eating-wise.  And I'm going to write a lot here, and I hope this is interesting and maybe even helpful to someone else.