Novels, NaNo, and No Organization

I have been mentally lax for such a long time now I can't seem to get my mental muscles back in shape.  I'm participating--in a fashion--in the #novelengage Twitter chat Lani Diane Rich of StoryWonk started.  It's a great idea, this engaging daily with your novel even if it's for a short time.  Before I went to Chicago I was doing pretty well.  Since I've been back, I just can't seem to get back in the swing of things.

It's okay, though.  I have a plan.  Sunday I started reading Larry Brooks'(of Storyfix.com) book Story Structure--Demystified.  I really like the way he breaks everything down.  Most if not all of it is stuff I've picked up in various places or just through my own observations about storytelling, but Mr. Brooks does a great job of clarifying the stages of storytelling.  I also like the breakdown of how much of your novel should be part 1, part 2, etc.  He even gives some info on approximately how many scenes should be in each section.  That's really useful stuff for a newbie who's never finished a novel length work and has never actually outlined one, either.

So I'm going to finish reading the book, writing down the story ideas it's stirring up for me, and then I'm going to actually write down my outline ideas.  I'm going to push myself to not panic because I don't have all of my key scene ideas yet--I'm just going to do the parts I know and then worry about filling in the rest.  I'm going to keep writing my morning/daily pages to help me control the anxiety that keeps stopping me.  This week, I am going to stop freezing up because of things that might happen and just do something, anything to move myself along.

Finding My True Voice

Finding my voice.  Finding my true self.  Finding the real me.  However you want to phrase it, it's something that needs my attention.  I am cruising, skating, skimming through life.  I have not been ducking under the surface into the depths much at all in the past few years.  I am doing things, putting on a good front, missing the reality I need to be touching.

How does this happen?  It's easy, really.  It's busy-ness.  I am even busy with things I actually want to be doing and that actually do feed my dreams and move me toward reaching them.  That sort of busy-ness is especially difficult to tame, because it is needed.  But it can still be a problem because it keeps me from going deep.

My writing is suffering from my busy-ness because I am only paying it lip service.  I make some story notes.  I squeeze in a quick 10-15 minute freewrite now and then.  I do not make time for a regular, thoughtful, meaningful writing practice.  And so when I sit down and want to write something good, something important and true with real depth, great description, genuine feeling, I can't do it.  My words are creaky and cold.  They haven't been used in too long, not really used.  They are like muscles, and they need to be retrained.  But I get frustrated with my lack of flow, and I go back to being busy and not writing regularly.

 My words are like this crow, alone in the middle of a barren, rocky land.  They need nourishing and company.

Don't get me wrong.  I am really pleased with what I'm doing so far with my creativity coach training and the business and my weekly art experiments.  Those are definitely taking me toward a place I want to be.  But I have to overcome the fear and inertia and bring regular writing into the mix.  My first love and heart's desire is writing, and I must find a way to stop ignoring it, avoiding it, neglecting it.

The Bird by Bird read-along starts next week.  I hope there are some insights and some practical help coming my way soon.

Revisiting Birds

Two friends mentioned that they think it's time for a re-read of Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird.  I hadn't realized it was a good time for this (actually, to read it all the way through for me as I didn't get to finish it--lost my copy).  But I realized that it *is* the time for this.  It's time to revisit my writing--my fiction and creative writing specifically.  It's time to figure out how to work it into the daily/weekly schedule of my MuseCraft work.  And most importantly, it's time to look at why, for all my life, I have avoided really doing the thing my heart longs for the most.

Moving Merrily Onward

Okay, maybe not so merrily. I feel clunky and uninspired still, but I know that will go away once I can get myself back into a normal routine of writing regularly. Meanwhile, while I work toward that routine, I am slow and sludgy and draggy. And yet...And yet there is a story building in my head. It's a Greenvale story--Greenvale is my made-up city on a bay on the shore of the Pacific and has a university and a lighthouse and a thriving art community. It's a great place even mostly unformed as it is now, and a few of my story nuggets are going to be Greenvale stories.

So I am still left with the question: Why am I so resistant to writing? I can't stop thinking about writing and my stories. My head is filled with all of it all the time. So what's the problem? What is holding me back, keeping me from actually doing it? I think there's a lot of worry that once I really try I'll find out I'm not actually good at it. I've had positive feedback in the past on both my fiction and other writing, including from professors and other teachers. But I find a quiet, whispery worry in the back of my mind that warns that those situations might just have been flukes and that I won't be able to repeat my success. That whisper is accompanied by another that tells me that my years of not doing a lot of regular writing have probably dried up my talent so I have nothing left to actually put down on paper.

I don't think those whispers are actually telling me the truth. At least, my rational mind doesn't believe them. But I am somehow letting them thwart me even though I know they lie. Part of my plan to overcome them is to keep writing about all of this here. Maybe someday this will even be useful to other writers and creatives who are caught in the same sticky trap.

Now, though, I am going to do one thing. I am taking one step. I am going to post this and then get out my Lesson 5 papers and finish my D&L. By tomorrow, I plan to be able to write here that I'm ready for the next phase.

Fingers crossed...

Breaking Free From the Panic Trap

Writing? What writing? That’s what this week feels like. The short story I’m working on, “Scissors Beat Paper,” isn’t coming together very well. I am slowly working on reworking the outline and plans for Blood of the Mist, but right now I’m feeling sluggish and (if I’m being honest) just a little resentful of having to practically start all over from scratch, so this isn’t exactly gliding along, either.
The worst part is that a lot of the difficulties I’m having right now are self-inflicted. I haven’t been sleeping well, so I’m feeling exhausted, and that’s making everything take much longer and require much more effort than it should, and yet I can’t seem to make myself go to bed earlier. I procrastinated a lot over the past two weeks, and now, with tomorrow’s writers’ meeting looming, my brain is frozen in deadline panic. And on top of all of that, I am letting myself succumb to the siren call of new story ideas which are flinging themselves at me fast and furious right now.
Some of the stumbling blocks are external, though. My office manager is on vacation this week, so I am doing two jobs at work all week. I am also getting ready to go to a big camping event this weekend followed immediately by flying to Chicago next Thursday for my cousin’s wedding. So my brain is swirling with plans and lists and “how am I going to get everything done?!”
I’ve found a way around this sort of brain-freezing terror, though. It works when I remember to do it. Actually, this post is part of the cure. I know a lot of artistic/creative types get into these bouts of hysteria—I think it comes with the territory. In the past, I could easily have let this build on itself and go on for months. But now, a bit over a week into it, I have recognized that I’m caught in the panic trap. Time for the antidote. Maybe it will help some of my readers, too, when they get caught up in the same snare.
First, recognize and acknowledge where you are. Out loud or in writing or both. I am procrastinating and panicking because I have a writers’ meeting tomorrow and have nothing written.
Next step—make a plan. Again, out loud or in writing or both. I will write a brief outline of the short story and do a short character sketch of Caylee and then jump back into the rewrite. For BotM, I will keep working with Dramatica Pro on the planning and outline and when I am done with that I will make a schedule for the actual rewrite.
Now, make a schedule for the various parts of your plan. It’s okay to just schedule the first part, as long as you actually schedule the next part when you finish the first and so on. I will do the outline and character sketch when I get home tonight. I will start the rewrite by making notes on the printout of the current draft, also tonight. I will do the actual rewrite tomorrow afternoon.
There. Now I can breathe again. Having a plan with small steps to follow and a schedule of exactly when I’m going to start and what I’m going to start with soothes my mind, lets me focus and move forward. And moving forward is all it takes to escape the fear fiends every time.

Just Write

“I think the hardest part is getting a draft finished. It’s important to stop thinking about writing and just write. It’s something I grapple with every day—stop thinking, start writing.” ~ Sara Gruen (From a Writer’s Digest interview with Sara Gruen, the author of the bestseller Water for Elephants.)

This quote hit me hard today. Probably because this is something I’m working with right now, my hesitancy to actually write. I am struggling with it, only half sure of the reasons for it, and it seems like everywhere I turn someone is telling me “just write.”

Just write. How? I don’t know. I want to be working on my novel. Novels. I am not working on them.

I have some ideas of things I can or should be doing to get back into them—reread the last 50 pages, do some character work to get a better handle on who my people are and what they would really do in various situations. I am not doing any of this either.

My hesitancy might hint at some deep-seated fears. They might. I’m sure there are fears hanging around in there. I can feel some of them, especially the fear that the book won’t be any good (Duh! First draft generally equals not so good) and the fear that I won’t know how to do good revisions and make a not so good book into something publishable.

I don’t think these are the reasons I’m not writing. Or at least not the main reasons. I think I am not writing because I have a habit of not writing. And possibly (probably) the idea of breaking that habit by writing something important to me—like my novels—is a bit too daunting.

I do know the way out of this. Writing. More specifically, writing practice. Various subjects, free writing, non-stop for 15 or 20 minutes a day. Over and over, every day, until the dam breaks. And then the novels can begin again.

I have brushed past this knowledge a few times in the past months. I don’t want this to be the thing I need to do. I want to be working on my stories. But that isn’t happening, and I need to break out of this not-writing habit. So, writing practice. This week and next week. Every day. 15 minutes.

To make myself feel better, I will allow research, character work, notes about my stories while I’m doing this. But I’m not going to actually do any writing for them. Not yet. May 5. I can start story writing then for the next Book-In-a-Week session.

I think I’ll use writing prompts as my starting points. I generally enjoy them, and they’re a good way to keep the focus on just writing and stay away from story (and isn’t forbidding myself from writing story just a fabulous way to build the desire?). Time to check out my favorite prompt site, Toasted Cheese, and get started.

Story is in the details

“Anybody can become a writer, but the trick is to stay a writer” - Harlan Ellison

Was he talking to me? I think he might have been. This is a really important idea he’s putting out there—staying a writer is what makes you a writer.

I am only sort of a writer, I guess. I am writing these days. A lot more on a regular basis than I have in ages. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not doing the writing that will make me a writer. At least not much of it. Yes, blog posts are good. They help get my name out there, get people reading me (I hope!). But I still haven’t been working on my stories. And without the stories, I’m not going to manage to stay a writer.

Happily, there are remedies to my problem. I am currently reading Eric Maisel’s new book A Writer’s Space—Make Room to Dream, to Work, to Write. It’s a wonderful book. So much insight, and so many useful, practical ideas for ways to become a writer and stay a writer. Right now, the idea that is resonating with me the most, the one that I can just feel is the most important for me to focus on, is the idea of making a detailed plan.

Detailed. Of course! I should have realized. I write “writing” on my “to do” list most days. And some days I even manage to check it off and feel satisfied that I got in some real writing. But I don’t put down the details of what I’m going to write that day.

A Writer’s Space recommends saying “I am going to write today” and then listing what that means—how long, during what times, what exact bits you’re going to work on, exactly what activities you are going to do to further your writing life.

Details. The things that make for good writing also make you a writer! So simple, so obvious, so overlooked all these years (at least by me). I think I feel an epiphany coming on. Better yet, I think I feel some writing coming on…

Hope and other rambling thoughts

I am really not writing these days. And I need to. I even long to. And yet I'm not really doing it, except in small doses. Why am I not writing? Discomfort. Disorganization. Lack of focus. Lack of energy. Lack of willpower. Lack of courage?

Yesterday, I read a quote from Stephen King where he said that he likes to get ten pages written a day. Ten pages! That’s so fabulous. So do-able. *I* can do ten pages in a day! Now, I admit that I have become lax in these past years, so I need to get myself reoriented and focused and start building a daily writing practice again. But ten pages a day is something I can do! When I’m on, when I’ve been practicing, I can do that! I am feeling hopeful and excited right now. And lazy because I’m not actually writing anything right now (besides this blog post, which *does* count for something, really it does!). Really, I am moving in the right direction and getting some things in place (stay tuned for announcements!). And this tidbit from Maestro King is just gloriously heartening and motivating and exciting!

Something else I read this week—a short paragraph from one of Jack Kerouac’s journals. He was making entries about how many words he wrote on different days. He did quite a lot of words, at least during the time of the excerpt I read. 4500 words on his 26^th birthday. 13000 words in five days. That averages 2600 words a day. That’s actually a do-able amount, although on some days it would be pushing it. But still, I know I’ve done that and more during NaNoWriMo, so this is also heartening news. And now that I think of it, the ten pages of Stephen King would work out to be around 3000 words. So really, these are human, do-able, achievable numbers. I just need to remind myself of that. And I need to give myself a big push and get rolling again. I don’t want to reach mid-October again and find that I’ve written almost nothing during the whole year again.

Catching up again

Finally, I am getting back some energy. Now I’m trying to catch up with my whole life after nearly three weeks of being sick. I still have a bit of a cough, mostly after walking or after going inside from out or vice versa. I am nearly back to normal.

Right now, I am working on a few new projects. That’s been keeping me away from my blog, too, but I plan to fix that. We will *not* be seeing weeks go by with no posts! One of my new projects will be going live next week. The Mythic Writers website will be up and running very soon! Of course, there won’t be a lot there at first. I’m just really excited to see this first step. This is a real dream of mine—gathering a group of writers who all like mythic fiction and want to write it, gathering information on myths and writing and all the things that go into mythic fiction. I am really excited about this. We’re also going to be starting a mythic fiction reading group, but that one isn’t going to start up next week. I’ll just put a blurb on the website about it so we can start finding people interested in participating.

The other thing I’m doing is becoming a blog correspondent on a creativity blog. I don’t really want to write too much about it or give details publicly until it’s actually up and running. This is an incredible opportunity for me, though, and I’m nearly giddy with excitement! I can’t wait until things are a little more concrete so I can write about it here!

I am reading Julia Cameron’s The Right to Write. Actually, I was reading it for a while, then I set it aside last week for a fiction binge, and now I am back to it. I will have more to write about that and from that soon, I think.

Oh! I can’t believe I didn’t write anything about this. February 29-March 2 I attended the Potlatch convention. It was a little odd and clique-ish, and I was still pretty sick so didn’t have any energy to put into it to try to meet people and become part of the groups. I came away with some great books from the weekend, though, and spending time in Seattle was fabulous. I felt like I had a mini retreat, and the hotel was great for writing in. I plan to go back there. Matthew and I are going to go for my birthday, but I may go for an overnight trip on my own just to put myself in a different space and write with no other obligations.

Note to self—I need to write about all the obligations that I am letting keep me from writing and living the life I want. But not tonight. Tonight is just for a brief check-in and catch up session. But I think, if I’m going to change my life and build what I want, I’m going to have to get deeper here and in my person journaling. I need to get to the bottom of what is holding me back so I can dig it out and throw it on the compost heap.

Long time no write

I’m a real slacker on this blog right now, aren’t I? I’m sort of that way with everything, though, so don’t feel sad little blog. And on top of being in general slacker mode, I have some sort of nasty bug this week. I’ve been out of commission all week, mostly lying in bed sleeping. Today I am actually at work, but I’m losing energy pretty fast, so I think I’ll be going home early.

In better news, I made my BIW goal this month. I even went one page further. And right now I am working for a few weeks with a creativity coach—she’s in training, so I get to work with her for free. I wish that my first full week with her wasn’t one where I couldn’t even sit up for any length of time let alone write anything. Still, something she said in an e-mail yesterday has triggered an idea I want to try out. I am slightly stuck with how I want the next part of Blood of the Mist to go. So I am going to try to freewrite about what I want to have happen in this last section of the book. I’m just going to write as many pages as I can of how I want it to be—what I want to happen, how I want it to feel, all of that. And see if that doesn’t stir things up and let me write the ending finally.

In other news—next weekend is Potlatch! I am excited and reluctant all at once. I am worried that I’m going to find that it’s a waste of time. There are discussions and things that sound interesting, definitely. But I’m worried that since I didn’t manage to write something so I could be in the critique group I won’t find anything really worthwhile to do there. This is probably a totally incorrect idea. But it’s still a bit of a worry. I’m sure I will get there and find interesting people to talk with and make contacts and do all the things I was hoping to do. Which reminds me—I need to print up my little contact cards so if when I meet those interesting people I want to keep in touch with I can give them a card with my name and e-mail address and maybe the URL to this blog.

Oddly, although I haven’t yet managed to finish a book, and although I haven’t been writing that much for the past two months, I think I may be becoming a real writer. I am starting to be able to see it, and it is starting to feel like I need just a few more pieces to the puzzle, a few more things put properly into place, and I will be doing it. I think part of this is because I am close on BotM, and then I only have a little bit more to go to get a first draft finished of Ordinary Girl. And then I have the new story that I started plus a really good idea for a story that I came up with two years ago that I think I can actually write now because I’ve learned how to do planning in a way that lets me write. And then after that I have some one and two line story ideas hanging out in my notebook. So I think I have some things to work with.

So should I have some sort of schedule for this I wonder? Maybe a tentative one, at least? Honestly, since I’ve never written a whole book before, I am not sure how long these things should take or how long they will take me or how I should progress or what I should expect from myself. But if I have at least a tentative schedule, then at least it’s something to aim for, right? So, here:

February 22-March 31—Finish first draft of Blood of the Mist

April 1-May 30—Finish first draft of Ordinary Girl

June1-June 30—Planning for new stories (paranormal investigators and Irish ghost story)

July 1-August 15—Second draft of Blood of the Mist

August 16-September 30—Second draft of Ordinary Girl

October 1-October 31—Revise BotM

November 1-November 30—NaNoWriMo (work on one of the two new stories I planned)

December 1-December 31—Final rewrite of BotM, then give it to readers for feedback

This will take me through the end of the year. If I push a bit, I think I can mange to submit BotM by the end of the year which was one of my goals for the year. I will have to think about this schedule a bit and maybe do some revision to it so I can have the book ready to submit by mid-December. Because I would really like to make that goal for the year. Even if it is scary.

And with that, I think I’m going to wrap things up here and go home and go to bed. I got my new Charles de Lint book, and I think a pile of pillows, some juice, and a good book are in order for the rest of the day.

BIW week for February

Writing? Who’s writing? Oh yeah, me. I am not actually writing. Unless you count this as writing. I am supposed to be writing. I mean to be writing. I am not writing. Not right now. I will be soon.

My goal for this month is 15 pages. I cut last month’s goal in half. I figure 15 pages is easy in a week, right? Not if I’m not writing, though. I am having such a hard time settling in, and I don’t know why. Maybe because I am somewhat nearing the end, and I’m just not sure exactly how to bring it together. And then I’m not sure about how to go about fixing the story and making it actually good. Sigh…

Meanwhile, I have started working with Julia Cameron’s new book, The Writing Diet. It’s a pretty good idea, really. I am writing for that—I have been writing notes about my food and my desire to eat all afternoon. Maybe that’s why I’m not working on story? No. It’s not. I’m not working on story because my mind is unsettled. I need to work on that. I think I will make a plan right here and now. I am going to read my writing book until it is time to go home. At home, I will make dinner. I will eat dinner. At 8 p.m., I will sit down and write. Just for half an hour. That’s not so bad at all, and I can do that. I’ve done it dozens, maybe hundreds of times. And I’m going to do it today, too.

Lost week

This week is officially declared lost. The past two nights, we had to do some major cleaning because our landlord needed to bring in an insurance inspector because he's switching companies. Between that and preparations for our friends' wedding this weekend--the week is over, I have no writing done on any of my fiction. Right now, I'm too exhausted to care. It's Friday night, not even ten o'clock, and I am thinking of going to bed so I don't fall asleep here on the sofa.

In better news, I just joined a really cool writing group called Book In A Week. It's not as insane as it sounds--you don't have to actually write a whole book in one week, although you can give it a go if you like. Essentially, the challenge takes place one week a month starting on the first Monday of that month. You set a page goal for yourself the week before the challenge starts. During the challenge week, you post to the group about your progress ever day. The rest of the month seems to be for doing whatever--editing, writing, planning, etc. Then it starts all over the next month. You can write on works in progress, too, so it should be a good way to keep going on a story. I think this monthly, intense challenge with a bit of downtime after is going to be really good for me since I work so well under external deadlines.

Slogging along

My brain is frozen. I'm in a stupor. I want to play games and read and watch tv and sleep. I do not want to write right now. But I have word count that needs adding to. I have only written about 800 words today. I need more words. I don't want to write them. But if I don't write more today I'll be even further behind, and my plans for catching up have been going so well this week. And I must remind myself that tomorrow is our anniversary, so I will only get in whatever writing time is available to me at work. By the time we get home from having dinner out, it will be late, and I know I will be too tired to string any comprehensible sentences together. So I need to write. Right now. Why am I not writing? See the beginning of this post...Maybe if I have some dinner (it is nearly ready after all) and then take a shower I will feel like writing. Of course, then it will be nine o'clock. But I should still be alert enough, especially after a shower, to get in more words. But I need a lot more words to make my 2200 today. Maybe today I will just do the regular daily total of 1667. In that case, I'm already half-way there. Maybe I should stop making excuses and pull my notebook out and write.