Obsessions and Focus

This month of productive obsessing is going along pretty well. I am re-learning how to turn my focus to things I actually want to be concentrating on. I also had an epiphany about some of what holds me back in my writing, and I think this could end up being really useful.

For a long time now I've known what at least some of my fears are, but I haven't been able to figure out what to do about them. This week I realized that while I had a general fear category that my conscious mind was aware of, I didn't actually know the details. I think it's very hard--maybe impossible--to deal with unnamed fears.

But now I have a name for those fears. Or at least a description: I fear that, while I have plenty of story ideas and even scene and dialogue ideas, I don't have enough depth of ideas to flesh them out and make them into full stories that are worth reading and writing. I am also afraid I don't have the technical know-how or the ability to take all of the disparate scene ideas and dialogue snippets and weave them together into a whole story.

These are more specific issues, and I am hoping that it will be easier to deal with them than with the general "I'm afraid I don't have talent" fear that has been living in my brain for so long.

I had another epiphany while working on my productive obsession. My choice to obsess about writing a novel and getting it ready for submission was big, but it wasn't big enough. Or maybe more accurately it was just a part of a whole. I realized that I want to focus on changing my life and creating a career that means something and feels right to me. So, in September, I'm going to start training to be a creativity coach. Scary and exciting and that's exactly how I want to be feeling! Right now I'm just getting money together for the first course and weeding out some time killers in my life so I'm ready to start the training in the Fall. But look for more on this new addition once September rolls around.

You're my obsession

Actually, I think I am my own obsession...

I obsess about things I should be doing. I procrastinate. I procrastinate the most about the things I actually want in my life. What kind of sense does that make? And then I procrastinate the things I should be doing/need to do, and then I obsess over them and worry and fret and let that keep me from doing the things I want to do. None of my behavior actually makes any sense. I have some understanding of the “whys” behind it, but it still doesn’t make any actual sense. Procrastination is an emotional response. Or, rather, it’s a response to emotional issues. It probably won’t make sense. That doesn’t mean it can’t be dealt with. But I think I may need to stop trying to logic myself out of it. I’ve been trying that for years, and it really hasn’t worked so well.

It really doesn’t help that I have this hang-up about how much time I have to do things. If I know I only have a small amount of time or I know after a certain amount of time I’m going to have to stop and do something else or I know that I’m likely to be interrupted, I can’t seem to let myself even start on my writing or even working on some sketching or any of the other things I actually really do want to be doing. I will waste time playing solitaire or spider solitaire on the computer or just randomly checking and rechecking e-mail or reading Live Journal (because delving into the blogs that are about things I’m really interested in might take too long—what??? What is my mind doing???). I will just waste time, and I know that I’m wasting time, just passing time, marking time, letting the time get away from me. And I know. I know what I’m doing, and yet I can’t seem to stop. I think my mind is broken. I worry that it might be. I worry that I have no focus and may never have it, and then I will never do anything important to me. I will just mark time, and what sort of epitaph will that make? “She was extraordinary at filling the time in her life.” Not quite what I was hoping for, but apparently what I’m aiming at.

Am I blocking myself from things that I want? Mostly. Sometimes at home I don’t do any of the things I want to do because I am distracted by the filthy house. I can’t get settled in to do what I want because there’s so much mess around me, but I can’t break out of my exhaustion to actually do anything about the house, either. So I do nothing.

I can’t even read through a full e-mail or newsletter or blog post when it’s something I’m really interested in. I find that I take breaks in the middle. I’m reading something, and suddenly I’m checking e-mail, playing a game, opening a new window. I have no idea what this means. I don’t fully even know what I’m doing writing all of this out. I read a quote earlier today from Deepak Chopra: “Whatever is stored in darkness becomes distorted.” Maybe I am trying to undistort myself?

So what do I need to do to break out of this? A schedule? Maybe.

I know that when I really think about writing and making a living outside this office, outside the place where someone else tells me what to do and gives me money for it, I worry. I worry that I won’t be able to make a living as a writer. I worry that if I pursue creativity coaching training I won’t be able to find any clients and I won’t be able to use that as part of my living. I worry that choosing the creativity coaching is the wrong avenue; I would also love to pursue a graduate degree in either English or creative writing and teach at the college level (I do really like teaching, and I love the atmosphere of a college/university). I worry that whichever of these I choose I won’t be able to pay the bills.

What does all of this mean? What do I do with it? I don’t know for sure. This month, I am participating in a group with Eric Maisel. It’s research for a new book he’s working on about productive obsessing. I love the concept of this. It makes a lot of sense to me to turn my unproductive worry obsessions into something I can use. It makes more sense than trying to wipe out the obsessive part of my personality. So, I’m testing it to see if it works for me.

Something I’m already finding out from this experiment—I enjoy being in an active group of creative people all talking about what we’re working on and how we intend to bring our plans and dreams to fruition. I enjoy it, and I get recharged and excited and enthused by it. Sadly, my work group in the Holly Lisle class is not very active at all. The in person writing group I formed last year also didn’t work out for me for other reasons—we all had different needs from the group, and it went in a direction that wasn’t right for me. But I could really use a small group of active, motivated people to keep in touch with and check in with regularly. This is something I will need to build in my life.

This is just a lot of rambling, isn’t it? And it’s a little uncomfortable having my weird, obsessive thoughts out there for anyone to look at. But if I’m going to get them under control, I think I have to look at them more openly and clearly and make a plan. So this is a start. And right now I have a direction to go in, a plan to follow, and for this month a group to check in with to help me keep going—just the things I need to turn those obsessions into fuel for my work. Which I am going to get going on as soon as this posts.

Merrily onward!

Renewal

It's spring. Time for spring cleaning. For me right now the thing that needs to be cleaned the most is my mind. I have been wallowing in depression and dreariness for months now, and I'm ready to stop.

I am still working on the Holly Lisle How to Think Sideways course. I'm way behind in the lessons, but I am going to keep moving forward. I think it's a good system, and I refuse to give up.

I've toyed with the idea of giving up, thought that maybe I wasn't meant to be a writer. I thought maybe if I was really meant to be a writer it would be easier to actually just sit down and write; if I was really a writer I'd just be doing it. So maybe I wasn't meant for it and should just stop trying, stop yearning and hoping, stop beginning again and again. But I have this quote in front of my from Christina Baldwin: "We do not choose a vision; we are not given a longing, unless we are also given the ability to fulfill it."

I can't walk away from it, even though I'm not really doing it right now. I can't stop thinking about writing. I can't stop thinking of story, of the people who live in my head, of things that I might want to put into my writing. I can't stop thinking of new stories, bits of dialogue, descriptions of places. I can't stop turning things I'm looking at into descriptions in my head, trying to figure out how I would write the scene to make it most vivid. I think this actually tells me everything I need to know. I can't stop. I can say that I'm going to stop, but I can't actually manage it. My brain won't stop sending the ideas and thoughts and compulsions.

So, how to turn ideas and thoughts and compulsions into a regular writing habit that will move me forward and get me to finish stories and create a real writing life? Not fully sure on that one yet. But I'll keep you posted. I'll probably be writing here more--I thought checking in with page or word counts and progress updates might be useful for me. The writing here will probably become more personal, more about what I'm doing with my stories rather than about writing in general. If anyone is still looking, I hope you'll like that ride.

Foibles and obsessions

First, sorry for not writing yesterday. I was off making maps. Well, to be more accurate, I was off altering maps of real places to create one of my imaginary places. It’s a lot of fun. You should try it! But I digress…Here’s what I really planned to write about:

Foibles. Idiosyncrasies. We all have them. Mine generally tend to involve notebooks and pens and papers. (Um, and bags, but we won’t talk about that right now.) That’s all right. I acknowledge my obsession and indulge it when I can.

Last September, I indulged myself with a slightly expensive but truly fabulous notebook, the Circa from Levenger. Notebook heaven! The cover flips around like a spiral notebook so you can hold it on your lap or wherever you like to write that isn’t a proper desk or table and so isn’t conducive to writing with a big notebook spread out all wide and space-consuming. But…Spirals run out of paper, sometimes before you run out of need for paper. Or, you find you’ve written a scene and it would really be better in a different part of the story, and you can’t move the pages around. Here’s the truly fabulous part about the Circa…You can move the pages the way you can in a three-ring binder! While still being able to flip the cover for compactness like a spiral. It’s true. It’s amazing. I love it.

So why am I writing about something that seems like a done deal? Because I want a new notebook. Not to replace my Circa, no, not that. But in addition to my Circa. I am finding that I want my stories to have a notebook of their own, separate from my journal notebook with its sections for poetry and quotes. I feel like my process will be more pleasurable and work better if my stories have a book of their own. I want a new notebook.

So what should I get? A second Circa, since they are all of that fabulousness and whatnot? Maybe. But then, there are so many gorgeous notebooks out there! Leather covered, covered with beautiful papers or pictures…If I’m being honest, I want them all. And for some reason, although the Circa has the perfect set-up, I am feeling a desire for a thick, fat, pressboard covered spiral notebook, one that’s bigger than half-size but not a full size notebook. I love those types of spirals—they just feel so good in my hand, solid, sturdy, big enough to really write in but not so big that they’re hard to hold in one hand. Glorious, really.

Is this really something that will make my writing process easier? Do I really need to add yet one more book to my overloaded bag? I don’t know. I used to keep separate books this way, and during that time period I was much more prolific than I am now, so it might be at least a useful experiment. Am I going to get a new notebook? Yes. Writing this, I decided. I want it. In the overall scheme of things a notebook is an inexpensive indulgence. It will please me. And it might make moving back and forth from other writings like journaling or note-taking into story writing easier. So there you have it. A rather long, self-indulgent post about how I’m going to stop after work and indulge myself further. Maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll post a picture of the new addition later this weekend…

Meanwhile, enjoy the extra day off! I know my new notebook and I will.